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The way we talk to our children,
becomes their inner voice.
(Peggy O'Mara)
My posts about highly sensitive children often deal with the effects of how we speak to a highly sensitive child. The choice of words alone can shape us deeply into adulthood.
This post is for adults who suffer from these experiences. The inner dialogue is mostly unconscious and prevents us from staying in our power or getting there. Its focus is preferably on weaknesses, rather than strengths.
The inner dialogue can make life quite difficult for us
- We have a date and our inner dialogues tell us why the chosen one probably won't come. That we are too fat, too thin, too boring, or whatever anyway.
- Or at work, we constantly ask ourselves if we are doing everything right, if our performance is sufficient. We compare ourselves to colleagues who can supposedly sell themselves better.
- Maybe you are also standing in line at the checkout and your inner dialogue is concerned with how you might appear to others and what others think of you.
The inner dialogue is diverse
These are just a few examples from an Eldorado of possibilities. In most cases, we do not come off well in these dialogues. In my observation, highly sensitive people in particular, who are normally very careful not to hurt others and to respect boundaries, judge themselves mercilessly.
In our inner dialogue we can:
- shame ourselves,
- accuse ourselves,
- frighten ourselves,
- demotivate ourselves,
- over-criticize ourselves,
- paint horror scenarios,
- make ourselves insecure,
- confirm ourselves negatively,
- put ourselves down,
- drive ourselves into burnout,
- and, and, and.
When the inner dialogue wears us down
A female friend of mine was so stuck in her inner dialogues during a depressive phase that she wanted to commit suicide. This is an extreme example now, but our inner voices have a lot of influence on our lives.
What are these inner voices anyway?
Often they are an echo of statements that were made about us. Statements about us that shaped our self-image. Such statements can affect our deepest being. Since I am now giving some very distressing examples, I am showing positive nature shots so as not to intensify any emotions that may arise.
- I should have aborted you.
- I wanted a boy.
- Just get lost.
- You ruined my whole life.
- I didn't want any more children.
- If I had known I had this genetic defect, I wouldn't have had children.
- You failure.
- You must have been swapped as a child.
- Your father didn't want you.
What effects can the inner dialogue have on us?
When such words are directed at us, we feel worthless, unlovable, ashamed, or guilty. Our negative self-image becomes so strong that when someone loves us as we are, we fear our partner might eventually realize who we "really" are. This leads to a game of hide-and-seek with oneself.
In my work, I repeatedly encounter people who suffer extremely from such statements. Often, they are not even aware that these statements circle almost like a mantra in their thoughts.
That's why it's so important that we are told:
- It's nice that you're here.
- You are beautiful.
- I love you.
- You are so smart.
- If you weren't here, I would miss you infinitely.
- You are a gift.
- You weren't planned, but you were wanted.
- Your father is not able to be there for you; if he knew what great things he is missing.
Positive statements are not only good for children
We can't say things like that often enough to our children. And by the way, such statements are also good for adults. See what happens when you say to your partner or girlfriend: "It's nice that you're here."
If you would have preferred to have a son and long for a boy, then that surely makes you sad. At the same time, it is important that you remain silent; your child can't help it. Be silent in front of others too, otherwise, sooner or later, your child will overhear such a statement.
How do these inner voices encounter us?
Some come in the form of inner dialogues. For example, we discuss with ourselves why this or that cannot work out, or, or, or.
The discussion topics are diverse, and we often don't do very well in them.
Then there are individual sentences that accompany us
- You can't do that.
- Be careful.
- You are always so sensitive.
- You need to pull yourself together.
- You are always so exhausting.
If we listen closely, we often still recognize the voice of the person who planted this sentence in us. Such sentences can be deeply rooted.
Heinz Erhardt already said: "Don't believe everything you think." So the problem seems to have been known to our parents already.
And then there are the common parenting phrases
There are statements that I found annoying back then, and that I promised myself I would never say to my children. Just not paying attention for a moment, I say the crap myself to my daughter. As if they were lying in wait to pave their way. Pretty Woman would say: "Slippery little shits".
The inner dialogue is rarely conscious to us
When the inner voices pave their way like this, at least we become aware of them. At least then we have a greater chance that they will become conscious to us.
Very often, these voices stay in the background, whisper in our ear, are sometimes so loud that they drown out everything else, or manifest as tinnitus.
When we bully ourselves
A special kind of mice are the dialogues we have with ourselves. Highly sensitive people, in particular, pay close attention to speaking to others in a appreciative and supportive way. A loving encounter at eye level is important to us. Unfortunately, we often don't extend this care to ourselves.
We are never as hard on ourselves, and at times merciless, as we are with ourselves. We put ourselves down, are overly critical, doubt our abilities beforehand, fuel our fears, and push ourselves to pull ourselves together to keep up with average, sensitive people. We continue the judgments that others once made about us. The voices from the past, from upbringing, bullying, or other negative experiences, we adopt as if they were a fact that we repeatedly confirm, consciously or unconsciously, in our own inner words, in our inner dialogue with ourselves.
If you listen to yourself, how do you speak to yourself?
Lovingly and appreciatively? Most people I know didn't get that with them from the cradle. Usually, it was a journey to get there. And it wasn't always easy.
A first, but not insignificant step towards this is to first become aware of these voices. Because that opens the doors to other possibilities. I invite you to listen to yourself; highly sensitive people are very good at listening.
Tracking the inner dialogue
- Observe yourself, and this is important, without judgment. Watch yourself neutrally.
- And if your inner voices become active and accuse you of not treating yourself well enough, tell them: 'Thank you, but no thank you. You are not needed here right now. I'm just looking.'
- Observe yourself for a while. Whoever knows their territory can move more safely within it.
