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Should highly sensitive people come out? In my work, I frequently experience that highly sensitive people are unsure whether and how they should communicate their high sensitivity. In almost every seminar, the question is raised whether one should come out as highly sensitive and, if so, how? In this article, you will get the answer to these very questions and tips on how you can constructively communicate your needs.
Should highly sensitive people come out? Yes and no!
There are three important factors that determine whether it is helpful to come out: the motivation, the manner, and the goal.
To clarify this, I will start by describing my observations of various approaches, followed by my personal experiences with concrete tips on how and when it is helpful to come out.
When high sensitivity is not addressed
I find that people communicate their high sensitivity in very different ways. Some do not talk about it at all. The reasons for this vary greatly:
- They don't consider it worth mentioning.
- They feel uncomfortable because they see high sensitivity as a flaw.
- They are afraid of giving the impression that they are something better.
- They fear that someone might turn away from them as a result.
- It is important to them not to offer any points of attack.
- They have had negative experiences with the reactions of others. For example, their statements were ridiculed. They got a
When high sensitivity is discussed very overtly
Then there are people who very overtly communicate that they are highly sensitive. They carry their high sensitivity like a shield and sometimes like a spear in front of them. The shield is carried in the sense: "I am highly sensitive, don't hurt me!" However, in my observation, this approach has some disadvantages. It keeps us in the victim role.
Typical statements are:
- The others never consider my sensitivity.
- I am so empathic, I cannot stand the bad moods of others.
- The world is much too fast, loud, and cold-hearted.
A victim mentality makes us feel powerless.
When I say these statements from a victim mentality, I place the responsibility in the hands of others or circumstances. This promotes the feeling of being powerless and at the mercy of others.
This powerlessness can paralyze us to such an extent that we increasingly avoid people and situations. Sometimes, we are already so preoccupied mentally with how high sensitivity restricts us that, when it really matters, we are already completely exhausted.
Communicating high sensitivity with arrogance.
- How can someone be so insensitive?
- These intellectual types are totally unfeeling.
- Average sensitives are all boundary-crossing, loud, inconsiderate, and only want to put themselves in the spotlight.
An attitude that fuels conflict.
We then carry high sensitivity with a certain arrogance. While this approach feels better in the short term because it generates a sense of power, it comes at a price in the medium and long term. In my observations, this inner attitude often leads to conflicts. Friendships break off again and again because others behave unacceptably, and relationships also tend to be difficult.
Shield and Spear as Survival Strategies
In my opinion, shield and spear are ultimately survival strategies that arose as a consequence of trauma. They kept us afloat in childhood and were vital for survival. However, today they make our lives difficult. Being aware of this strategy is, in my experience, the first step towards being able to take other paths.
When we are on the wrong track
Interestingly, it is often precisely the people who outwardly display high sensitivity who are not actually highly sensitive in the true sense. And this brings them additional suffering. They reproach themselves for not being able to accept high sensitivity as a gift, as is often propagated. Either because they feel fundamentally inferior or because they think the world completely misunderstands them and they are actually out of place.
Bad experiences with outing high sensitivity
Many of my clients tell me that they have had rather negative experiences with coming out, and in my observation, this is often because they apologize for themselves or their behavior due to high sensitivity. And also with a feeling of being weak. They don't just apologize for their behavior, they apologize for their being and make themselves small. Unfortunately, this behavior does not achieve the desired effect of acceptance. People then tend to:
- ridicule the statement
- throw well-intentioned advice around like – "You just have to pull yourself together." "Just get over it."
- make disparaging remarks
- make accusations, saying one shouldn't take themselves so seriously.
- label us as psychos.
What should you consider when coming out?
First, look at your inner attitude when you talk about your high sensitivity. Do you perceive yourself as an equal? Do you feel a certain superiority, or is the feeling rather burdened by shame and/or guilt?
Effects when we believe we are wrong
Especially when we didn't receive the necessary support as children, when we were expected to pull ourselves together, when our behavior was always judged as wrong, the conscious or unconscious conviction that we are wrong often lives within us. And when we cannot meet external expectations, emotions of guilt and shame arise within us. This is also reflected in the fact that an outing is spoken of in this context. Setting aside the fact that this is actually a coming out, the word outing is probably also a reflection of the inner perception of the situation.
High sensitivity viewed positively
High sensitivity is a personality trait. It has many facets, and yet it is only one personality trait. Typically, highly sensitive people are considerate, boundary-aware, and friendly. They are extremely socially competent and have a strong ethical awareness. These are important skills that can be admired, especially in today's world.
How I communicate my high sensitivity
I myself hardly ever talk about my high sensitivity, even though it is also a central point of my work. For me, it is not important that people know that I am highly sensitive. However, I find it very important to communicate my needs.
The key lies in clearly communicating needs
When I'm looking for a restaurant with friends and it's too loud when I enter, I say: 'Too many people are talking over each other here. If we sit here, I won't be able to follow the conversation at all, and I'd really like to be able to talk properly with you.' And then we look for a place that's a better fit. I don't apologize, but rather inform about my needs. And I've never had any problems with that. I also don't go to a place that only has meat products as a vegetarian. At the same time, I also don't go to a vegetarian restaurant if someone wants to eat meat. We just keep looking for compromises until everyone feels comfortable. And if everyone names their needs, it happens quickly and doesn't take forever, as is often feared.
Further examples:
- I've been with you for two hours now and I'm really enjoying it. At the same time, I notice that my batteries are dead. If I don't go home now, I'll be completely wiped out all day tomorrow. I'm looking forward to doing it again.
- In groups, I'm so 'on air' that it does me good to withdraw a bit during breaks and process my impressions.
- I'm very nervous right now. I'm going out for 10 minutes, then I can calm down and you won't have to deal with my stress.
- I'm very sensitive to pain. Based on experience, the anesthetic needs to work longer for me so that I don't feel anything during drilling.
- No thank you, I don't like coffee, but I'd be happy about a glass of water or herbal tea.
- I always need time alone in between so that I can really enjoy the time together.
Needs are not negotiable
It is important that you inform others about your needs. You give brief instructions. And these are not up for discussion. Your needs have the same value as those of others. If you approach it from this perspective, no one will argue. This might not be easy at first. Practice makes perfect. Give yourself extra chances if things don't work out.
Prepare yourself
Do you find it difficult to name your needs? Then make it easier for yourself by preparing phrases for typical situations that work for you. If you know what you don't want, but are unsure what you specifically want, ask yourself: "What do I want instead?" This will help you find out your needs.
Ask yourself:
What do you want to achieve by coming out? That others are considerate? That they understand you better? That they recognize your true strength?
You will usually only get this if you communicate on eye level. And that means informing about needs. Explanations, especially when they are given out of a feeling of shame and guilt or arrogance, tend to have the opposite effect.
Tips on how to generally inform others about your high sensitivity
Sometimes it can also be helpful to inform others about your high sensitivity. For example, with friends, colleagues, family, or when you meet someone, whether in a friendship or a partnership.
I invite you to talk about it with the same naturalness that you show when you talk about your favorite place; simply as a part of who you are.
You could say:
„I am highly sensitive. This applies to about one in ten people. Highly sensitive people are empathetic and emotional. In addition, they are more easily receptive to sensory stimuli than average sensitive people. That's why I pay close attention to my stress level so that I don't completely drain my batteries.“
And the same applies here again. Inform at eye level. I have always had the experience that people then ask interested questions and this leads to very exciting and deep conversations.
This is also because I observe people beforehand. There are people who think their perception is the only true one, and what they don't know is rejected. Who assume they know better than you who you are and what you need.
Dealing with ignoramuses
With such people, coming out usually makes little sense. Normally, I keep my distance from such people. If that is not possible, I stick to the informational level of my needs. That way, I can take good care of myself. Not everyone has to or can understand me. Especially when it comes to people who are very close to us, we tend to explain ourselves over and over again. We keep stepping back into the old arena to finally be seen in the fight. Up to this day, these people have not been able to do that and probably never will be. It is a fight against windmills that costs an infinite amount of energy.
Save your energy for something beautiful ✨
I invite you to take a look at the mill. Perhaps you can see from it that it has been through so much in its life that it cannot do anything else except just stand there. Perhaps you can recognize that its wings are so damaged by its own experiences that they can only spin around themselves and for themselves so as not to collapse. And then look at the beautiful landscape around it. You can still plant more flowers in barren places. You cannot win this fight. The energy you save by not doing so can be used for the beautiful things in your life.
If you would like guidance on this topic, you can find my Coaching for Highly Sensitive People .
