What to do when highly sensitive children let everything happen to them?
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Some of my clients are worried because their highly sensitive child doesn't stand up for themselves. They are concerned when their child lets their toys be taken away and is repeatedly pushed back by other children. This behavior is viewed very critically, especially in highly sensitive boys. How does a highly sensitive child learn to confidently stand up for themselves?
In this post, you will learn how you can specifically support your highly sensitive child so that they confidently assert their interests.
The highly sensitive, 4-year-old Tim in a challenging environment
Four-year-old Tim is invited to a birthday party. His mother accompanies him. At the beginning, he sits with his mother for almost 20 minutes and observes the other children. All the other children are already enthusiastically playing with a water pump, getting messy in the sand, building small dams, and baking delicious sand cakes.
Tim's mother tries to motivate her highly sensitive child
The mother keeps trying to motivate Tim to join in. "Come on Tim, join in, it'll surely be fun. Go to the water pump, then you can join in. Don't you want to bake such great cakes too?"
Tim gathers all his courage
After his observation phase, Tim gathers his courage, goes to the water pump, and waits until Jonas stops pumping. Jonas stops, and just as Tim is about to start, Lena grabs the lever and pumps away merrily. Tim stands next to her and keeps waiting. Lena is very enthusiastic about the pump and isn't bothered by Tim at all. Tim now turns to the dam. He tries to block the water with stones. Then Dennis comes along, takes the stones away from Tim, and shows him how to do it "right".
Tim seeks comfort from his mother
Tim goes back to his mother. She had just started a conversation. "Well, play along, otherwise we don't need to go to a birthday party at all." Tim has tears in his eyes and justifies himself. "But the boy took my stones away." "Then don't always let them get away with everything. You have to stand up for yourself sometimes."
Do you know these situations?
What do you think Tim feels in this situation?
Supported, self-efficacious, and strong? Hardly!
Maybe you have an idea of it or you know it from yourself, how it feels when you want to join in and don't dare to. When you're sitting there, maybe still thinking about what the others are thinking, when you're just sitting there. And then someone constantly tells you: "You just have to, you could, it's not that bad, it's really easy." But for you, it's not easy at all. Then you gather all your courage and try it, and it doesn't work. And then you go in all your shame to someone you trust, and they also scold you, in the style of: "Serves you right."
Advice is rarely helpful
Motivational phrases like: “You have to stand up for yourself sometimes” are always popular, even among adults. Claudia talks about her boss, who constantly provokes her, and her husband says: “You have to stand up for yourself sometimes.” Oh really, that’s of course important information that opens up new worlds. A completely new aspect! Will Claudia now be fully motivated to go and fight back against her boss?
Unlikely. If it were that easy for her, she would certainly have done it already. Do you know such “you just have to” or “it’s really simple” advice? How often have you gone off feeling strengthened afterwards and put the advice into practice?
Advice often reinforces a negative self-image
Perhaps you've given such advice yourself. What was the success rate? Did the person go out and act according to your advice? How often have you gone out and put such advice into practice? Some people then even get offended, you should just listen to them and you're accused of not wanting to change anything at all.
This type of advice has no place in therapy and coaching.
I keep hearing that colleagues from my profession also work with such advice. In the worst case, you'll even be labeled as therapy refuser or accused of not wanting to change anything. In my eyes, a gross malpractice.
If we could simply change behavior, we would.
If it were that easy for us, we wouldn't have the problem in the first place. And if that's the case for us adults, how much harder must it be for a child.
In most cases, the focus here is more on the blows. Such advice hits you right in the face. It picks at the open wound instead of supporting us.
Let's get back to the highly sensitive Tim.
How is he doing after his failure? He's probably sad, feels powerless, maybe he's even blaming himself and feeling rejected. He knows exactly what he's lacking. His self-image has taken quite a beating.
He seeks comfort from his mother, and what happens? She confirms his negative self-image. He can't meet not only his own expectations but also his mother's expectations. The mother reinforces Tim's insecurity at this moment. She actually wanted to achieve the opposite.
How can you helpfully support your highly sensitive child instead?
In an acute situation, when the highly sensitive child is sad after a defeat, it helps him if we mirror his feelings.
Show understanding and compassion
I see you're very sad because it didn't work out. The HSP, which stands for highly sensitive children, gets words for their experience. This not only supports language development, but also provides understanding and makes them feel supported. Shared sorrow is half sorrow.
Create safe experience spaces for your highly sensitive child
If your highly sensitive child doesn't yet feel safe in such play situations, use the home advantage. Invite other children over. Most HSPs are significantly braver at home. This gives them the opportunity to experience success in such a situation and can thus develop a helpful self-image.
Actively support your child
Support your child in the specific situation by guiding the course of play for a while. "Hey, you busy builders, now Jonas is at the pump, then Lena, then Tim, and then Martin. That way, everyone gets a turn." The children will then know how it works and take turns accordingly. They will probably need a little more support from you at the beginning. "Okay, now it was Jonas's turn, and now Lena is up."
Respect your child's privacy
The advantage is that Tim's insecurity is not addressed, but the focus is directed towards the desired result. This would only intensify his negative feelings. Perhaps you know this: You blush, and someone points it out to you. Does that make the situation easier for you? Hardly. The same principle applies here. Mirror your highly sensitive child, but discuss his behavior or feelings privately, preferably not in front of others.
Positive experiences strengthen the highly sensitive child
The highly sensitive child needs a few positive experiences in a difficult situation for them to become more confident. Nagging and complaining do the opposite.
Show your HSC examples of how they can master a situation. Children learn by imitation. It is important to note that your example can also be implemented by your child, otherwise the child learns: "Mom can do it, but I can't!".
And remember – step back as soon as they can do something independently.
Everyone needs understanding. You too!
Since highly sensitive parents, in their pursuit of perfectionism, want to do everything right, even with all the expertise, I repeatedly find myself in situations where I act against my better judgment. But every time it works out, it's a plus point for my daughter's self-image. Allow yourself extra rounds if it doesn't work out sometimes. You are only human, and no human is perfect.
