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Most highly sensitive people struggle with small talk.
Why is that and how can small talk be made suitable for highly sensitive people?
You'll find the answers in this post.
Many HSPs, which stands for highly sensitive persons, find small talk too superficial or they don't know what to say. Extroverted highly sensitive people usually find small talk easier. However, it often starts to bore them quickly, which in some cases can even lead to physical discomfort.
What is small talk anyway?
Small talk is the initial help for making contact. It is comparable to the first sniffing around among animals. How friendly is someone, are there commonalities, what is the general first impression, do I feel safe with this person? It can be used to pass the time (e.g., on the bus) or, if the conversation atmosphere is right, it can be the basis for a deeper conversation.
To test the safety, we'll start with some superficial conversation. The weather, food, route, etc.
Small talk is a test to see if it fits
The first contact is often associated with uncertainty. Mutual exchange helps to calm inner, conscious or unconscious excitement.
Imagine you're coming to my coaching session. I'll briefly greet you by name, offer you a seat, and ask directly what your problem is.
Or: You come to my coaching session. I'll warmly welcome you, ask you about your journey, offer you a choice of seats, and ask if you'd like something to drink. Perhaps we'll chat about your favorite drink. I'll ask with interest, and after some exchange, I'll ask you to tell me what brought you here.
In which situation would you feel more comfortable?
Small talk has an important social function. But although highly sensitive people have strong social skills, many HSPs find small talk difficult. But why is that?
Why do many highly sensitive people find small talk difficult?
Generally, small talk is too superficial for most highly sensitive people. Highly sensitive people have a very strong emotional world. They love conversations that touch them internally. In highly sensitive people, the right half of the brain is more active. Their emotional center is therefore activated more quickly. This means we are familiar with emotions. Facts are more likely to be assigned to the left half of the brain. Highly sensitive people are usually not as at home here. Small talk is largely about security. And where do we usually feel safest? Exactly, on familiar ground.
Superficiality – no thanks!
However, if small talk is rather superficial and fact-rich, highly sensitive people tend to feel insecure. Furthermore, our right brain hemisphere finds such conversations totally boring because its full potential lies dormant. It has hardly anything to do.
And then it becomes difficult for highly sensitive people. We don't master the left-hemispheric language as well. You could say we don't speak the language. This causes us to often not know what to say. We beat around the bush, say strange things, or simply say nothing at all from the outset. There are many small talk situations where, even before I've fully finished a sentence, I wonder what nonsense I'm spouting. And I'm sure there are some who wonder how someone who stammers like this can give lectures in front of so many people.
But then I'm in my element because I can connect facts with feelings there.
How can small talk be made suitable for highly sensitive people?
And that's the key for me too, how I can master small talk better. I quickly switch to the terrain where I feel at home by asking appropriate questions. As a result, even people I don't know at all tell me very intimate things. A great gift for my work – but it can also be quite exhausting in everyday life. Especially with talkative people. It was hard work until I learned to set boundaries when the saleswoman told me her life story and I wasn't really in the mood to talk. And then I'm back at the beginning and say strange things so that I don't generate a closeness that I don't want at that moment. Many HSPs can sing a song about this dilemma.
Highly sensitive people have advantages in reading body language
Isn't it risky to dive into deep topics so quickly? For highly sensitive people, generally not. Average sensitive people also use the small talk phase to check whether it's a good match by reading body language and the way the other person speaks.
Due to their more active right hemisphere, highly sensitive people can "read" people very quickly. Therefore, even before the first words are spoken, we have already assessed whether we like someone.
The gut feeling chimes in during small talk
This requires an important skill. I must take it seriously if someone doesn't seem right to me at first impression. HSPs are generally considerate and friendly and do not want to offend anyone.
This is why it is often difficult for some highly sensitive people to set boundaries when they do not want to have contact with someone. Furthermore, they find it superficial to judge someone based on the first impression, and we don't want that for ourselves either. However, our gut feeling knows very well whether someone is a good fit. From such situations, acquaintances, friendships, and even relationships that are not good for us can then develop. And I very often hear clients say in coaching: "If only I had listened to my gut feeling from the start!"
When old experiences hold you back
There is another point that can make small talk very difficult. The inner self-image. If we were taught through upbringing that we are wrong, not valuable, or a burden, it is often very difficult for us to make contact at all. Such situations can activate emotions like shame and guilt. We then feel inadequate, fear rejection, and avoid contact for fear of getting hurt. Our body language already expresses that we do not want contact. And here lies a great tragedy. Our fear prevents us from making contact in the first place. Either because we appear very distant and unapproachable, or are hardly noticed. Our lack of physical presence ensures that we are simply overlooked. We radiate that, even though we long for contact so much. Our inner voices are then so active and tell us why this won't work now, that small talk, if it even happens, practically paralyzes us.
Smalltalk as a Foreign Language
Small talk is like a foreign language for many highly sensitive people, but we can learn that too.
The following tips will help you make small talk suitable for highly sensitive people.
Realize that small talk serves to create a pleasant atmosphere. And HSPs are absolute pros at creating atmosphere. Tell yourself internally before you start small talk: 'Now I'm going to make it nice for us!'
Avoid negative or potentially polarizing topics such as illnesses, politics, sports, death, money, religion, and gossip. A chat about one's job is often recommended as a small talk starter. Over 80% of people dislike their job or are very dissatisfied with it. Therefore, to be safe, choose a different topic. The mood of a conversation topic shapes the conversation atmosphere.
Ask open-ended questions that focus on feelings
You can steer the conversation into greater depth by asking open-ended questions that involve feelings.
Instead: Where do you like to go on vacation?
Rather: "What was your best vacation experience?"
Your counterpart will very likely start telling stories with joy and your right brain hemisphere will get its money's worth.
An attentive body posture allows for more conversation depth
Smile and maintain eye contact! A smile shows your counterpart that there is no danger. It also ensures that your own stress hormones are reduced. An open body posture, gesturing with palms up, additionally appears inviting to your counterpart.
Commonalities connect. Location, environment, and occasion are topics you can address as commonalities.
When small talk violates values
You find it boring to chat about the weather? Then change the topic. Sounds banal. I keep hearing that people get stuck in small talk because they think, "The weather, how superficial." If this superficiality goes so much against your value system that it blocks you, simply switch to a topic that interests you. Small talk is like playing ping-pong. If you don't like a game set, start a new serve with a new topic. The occasional change of topic is part of the nature of small talk.
Gossip, no thanks
Some people take gossip and rumors or backbiting as a small talk topic. An abomination for most highly sensitive people. If the gossip is even loud enough for the victim to hear, vicarious embarrassment is the order of the day. If HSPs speak negatively about others, they do so in the form of an exchange and only with people they trust very much, to ensure that the information is handled responsibly.
And the same applies here: If your counterpart gossips, simply change the subject.
What are good small talk topics for highly sensitive people?
- Wonderful experiences (concerts, trips, events)
- Food
- Movies
- Travel
- Hobbies
- Pets
- Music
Choose topics where you can share positive things.
Preparation helps
Perhaps you can generally keep a few experiences ready in mind.
Here, the weather can serve as a good transition.
"I once experienced such a downpour in Spain. What a great vacation...!"
"Last summer had such great weather too, when I was at the concert of...!"
Of course you shouldn't hold monologues and you should also show interest by asking your counterpart questions, but highly sensitive people usually manage that with ease.
You can influence the conversation atmosphere and the topic
Small talk is like an appetizer. And if you like it, you can quickly deepen the conversation level with open questions, positive stories, and an approachable manner, so that your right brain hemisphere parties with joy.
If you would like guidance on this topic, you can find my Coaching for Highly Sensitive People .
